Fail so big

“ I need to tell you about this dream I had. ”

It started with me sitting in my locker room. It was the night of Magnificince, and I’m in this over-the-top match, And I’m preparing myself, or trying to. Because we all draw these numbers, and mine is some symbol I’ve never seen before. So yet again, and in the umpteenth way, I’m trying to figure out my career. But now, instead of these overarching reasons, or a loosened grip on the reality that is this business, it’s just a piece of paper.

I’m all but ready to throw it away, when someone sticks their head in and tells me they’re ready for me. I get up, I walk out, and the second the door closes behind me, I’m on stage in full drag, performing ‘Love is a battlefield’ mixed with ‘Morning Angel’ all while dancing about in a red sequin dress. I know a lot of guys aren’t very comfortable in their sexuality to say what I’m about to say, but I looked good. When I finish the song, I look out at the crowd and it’s no longer a crowd but a trio of judges. My wife, Thomas, my best friend, and James Raven. Some voice from beyond the stage asked the judges what they thought, and I remember feeling scared. And nervous. But when I saw myself in the mirror, it wasn’t even me standing there. It was someone else and I was watching from someplace else. Not the audience, but on the side of it.

Vhodka Black
“ Love how far you’ve come. You’ve made an effort in showing us who you are, and what you can do. But you’re not there yet. You will be. Just don’t give up. Not again. ”

My friend Thomas was sitting next to her, shaking his head. Repeating the same thing, but differently. Told me he liked the effort I made, really. That I should not do what I did before. And asked that I show who I am. And then, it got to James Raven. Who's presence there confounded me entirely. We’ve spoken thrice. Not at length. Not with detail. And for someone who doesn’t know me in life, dream Raven was comfortable. Too comfortable.

James Raven
“ Vin, You know who you were meant to be in this business, and you shirked it. You had your foot on the throat of it, and you let up. And now, you’re standing up there in a different costume, but a costume none the less. I have to tell you; I didn’t have high expectations, but the ones I had are looking wasted. You finally made a choice. You’ve shown that your capable of change. Don’t put it back on the shelf along with your self respect. Keep it close. Keep it real. And line up the driftwood because it’s time for th-”

Next thing I know, I’m at the beach. The club is gone, but all the people are there. And I’m sitting on a log, still in drag, but obviously I’ve changed my dress because sequins and sand just don’t go. It’s a silky little black dress that I’m sure I’ve actually borrowed from my wife in real life at some point. But I’m sitting around this fire, and my brother Xavier is there, and My wife, and for some reason, James Raven again. This time, I’m not so accepting of it.

“ Why are you here? You were never here before. Why now? ”

James Raven
“ She wasn’t here, either. Why is she here? ”

“ She’s my wife. I want her here. You are not my wife. You’re not even my… ”

“ Go on. Say it. We both know you can’t, but try. ”

“ ..let’s say you’re right. Why you. Why Raven. Why now. ”

“ Because it’s been quiet. Because it’s been hard. And if you can’t end it your way, the world is going to end it on its own. And you know it. Because despite what you want to think, you know what you’ve always known. You need me. You need me to help you find a way out of this. And also, I’m flattered that you made me Raven. He’s very handsome. For a canadian. ”

“ I miss you. But what you did… ”

“ Oh stop. You’d have done a lot worse. You have done a lot worse. If she hadn’t gotten wind of it, you wouldn’t have cared. It’s so funny how pussy becomes morals so quickly. Especially for someone like you, who never had any. ”

“ WE DO NOT ATTACK EACH OTHER ”

“ …or do we? Remember when you first met him? Remember when you first saw her? And then her? Do you know what you had then? It’s not what you have now. Getting back to it wasn’t ever in the cards. But you’ve shuffled the deck. And now you got to do what you got to do to get what you have to be what you had. You’re so close. I believe in you. Even when I don’t. ”

And then she was gone. He was gone, Raven. And my brother was gone, and Fran was still there, just watching. Did you know my wife and my mother have the same name? People forget that. Not my adopted mother, my actual. She died, though. Anyway, in the dream, the fire starts to go out. And it’s this huge like, circular fire. And I’m trying to get it to catch, but I can’t. And then I look up at my wife, and she says to me, in some language I don’t understand, but I do get what she’s saying. She says…

Vhodka Black
“ This fire is done. But with what remains, a new one shall burn. Twice as long, and twice as bright. ”

And then I woke up. And as I laid there, and tried to make sense of it, I found myself being pulled from the bed by the icy grip of my soon-to-be-champion wife’s bloodless hand. I outweigh her by a good amount, but she’s made of carbon fiber and stainless steel. I hit the floor before I’m ready and she throws a pair of shorts at me. I throw them on, I go outside into the kitchen area, and there’s a cup of coffee and brightly colored things set up. Took me a minute to realize what it was, but..it was Guess Who. The game. Only instead of cartoon faces…

“ Are these PWE superstars? ”

“ You don’t recognize them? Don’t answer that, of course you do. I figured we could do a-Oh my god. I wasted so much time on this and just realized this is way too conventional for you. ”

“ No. Let’s. ”

So we sat down and played. We shuffled the cards and each got our respective person. Only instead of one, we each chose two. For…reasons. She asked if the person I had was small and useless, and when I said no, she got rid of TJ ALEXANDER. When I asked if the person had recently lost their mother and wouldn’t shut up about it, she said no and down went. BRENNA GORDON. She asked if the person was a 15 year old nerd, and when I said no, JENSEN KIDD laid down like she’s used to. She also put down Chelsea Skye, because also 12. I asked if the person actually works here, and she said yes, so I put down SAPHIRE DELGADO. She asked if the person was Zany, and after realizing how much I hate that word, I said no, and down went DYLAN HOWELL. I asked if the person looked like a goldfish out of water, and when she confirmed they did no, I put down WILLIAM MASON BAKER…BAXTER? WILLIAM MASON DON’T MATTER. She asked if I ever stole weed from the person and when I said no she lowered ELLIE QUEEN. I asked if the person was anywhere related to space or space related matters, and when she said no, down went ACE SKYE. And then, We were left with one card each. And when she asked if the person had ‘staked their claim’ and we both laughed, down went Ruby Steel. And then we each had our two cards, and I asked her if one of them was someone who could be great in this business, if they only took it serious, and she said yes. And she asked if the person was one of the most impressive women we’d ever seen, regardless of certain setbacks, and she said yes. And when I asked if the person was someone who I’ve tangled with before and wanted to again,and she said yes. And then she asked if it was someone that was constantly emailing her, and I said..

“ wait what?”

“ Every time I send an email, he emails me immediately. So annoying.”

She meant Mailer Daemon. But I left it alone.

“ …sure. ”

“ Ok so who do we have left? I have LCP and Allen Chaney.”

“ I have Rhodes, and Warstein.”

“ So those are the ones, you think?”

“ I think… I think I have to go. ”

“ Go? Go Where?”

“ Carl Jung once said, those who look outside, dream. Those who look inside, awake. ”

“ The only Carl I trust is Jr. ”

“ What about Karl Marx? ”

“ The only Marx I trust is Richard.”

“ …What about the Marx Brothers?”

“ The only brothers I trust are Doobie,”

“ I love you, Fran.”

“ awww. I love you, too.”

I got up, I kissed her on the forehead, on the cheek, and on the lips. And as I drove to my destination, unsure of how I was going to do what I had gotten into my mind to do, I began to tell myself that I’m doing the right thing. That as difficult as it might be, It’s worth it. Gandhi once said that thoughts become actions. And it’s finally clear to me that the truth isn’t what I thought it was. The truth is that the thoughts I have are not the ones I was meant to have. If they were, if they were mine and not that of someone else’s doing, I would not be who I am, or how I am.

I am the happiest I've ever been. Did you know that? Did you know that every day I wake up happier than I ever thought possible? And for what? To behave as if I am not? To deny myself the right to smile? To laugh? Why would I do that? I’ll fucking tell you, because I was programmed. By my father. By the man who took me in when no one else would, and did so solely to destroy what someone else had made. And I stand here, thinking I’ve survived it. Thinking I beat him, But I didn’t. I just didn’t die. And there is quite the difference between surviving, winning, and just not dying. I am tired of just not dying. I want to have won. I want to have beaten him, not just outlived him, And that means effort. In my personal life. And in my professional life, and that’s why I did what I did.

You’d think that a tv studio would have better security, but I literally just walked through them. Maybe I knocked a couple down, maybe I almost threw one through those windows. I didn’t though. So. Props to me?

Hardest part of it all was getting those two drunk women out from the front of the camera. The one married to the old jock was feistier than I’d have thought for such an old lady, but age has rage, right? After quite a bit of negotiating, I got them to agree to let me do what I came to do. And whether anyone realizes it or not. It changed everything.

“ Hello. My name is Vincent Black. For those that don’t know me-Actually, almost none of you know me. You might know what I do. Or what I’ve done. But not a single one of you knows who I am. Who I really am. But you will. Before I get into that, I have to address something. PWE, Miss Knight. I am sorry.”

“ You hired me to do a job and I’ve done nothing but think that job is beneath me. I do not address people. I do not stand before a camera like a trained seal, clapping my fins. Is it fins? Point being, I’ve been quiet when you paid me to be verbose. And from here on out, I am going to be less Dane Preston, and more Vincent Black. Pulling my weight, instead of just lifting them.”

“ The problem is, I do not work the way others do. I can’t look at people like Holly Rhodes, LCP, Allen Chaney, and Shawn Warstein, and bash them based on days gone by and accomplishments gone with the wind. And it’s not because I don’t see their weaknesses, or their shortcomings. It’s because at the end of the day, in a match like this or any match to be honest, It is not me versus them. It doesn’t matter. Shoving failures in the faces of anyone isn’t the way to success. Especially when most of the time it isn’t me versus them. It’s me versus me. I am the only person I have anything to prove to. The only opinion that matters. The only eyes I want to look upon me with respect are my own. And my wife. Point remains, I didn’t come here to beat superstars, i came here to beat my suspicions.”

“ The me that existed in this business before, was not true to who I am. It was a deception put forth to play the part I was sure I was born to play. That of a cold, calculating maniac who didn’t care about anyone or anything, Just violence. That is what the world saw, and what the world wanted, so that is what I became. And then I left. Now I’m back and they don’t want to see me standing in some graveyard, waxing poetic and philosophical about the small deaths each defeat brings to our soul or whatever dark bullshit I thought sounded intelligent. My suspicions are that times have changed and it’s left me behind. That I can not hack it in this new iteration of this ancient business, because the one I knew and the one which has come after are as different as red and blue.”

“ The business I came up in was not the business you all see now. There was no feeling. There was no emotion. There were just two disregarded dysfunctional dickheads in the middle of a ring. Punching each other for the amusement of people with less teeth than IQ points. But now, it’s not about threats, or promises. It’s about connection. It’s about opening yourself up so the other performers and the crowd can root around in your hypothetical guts and find what makes you tick. What makes you relatable. And that’s the kicker, isn’t it?They don’t want to be us anymore. They don’t want to be as strong or as big or successful as us. They want us to be as fucked up as them. And newsflash for those who don’t read the front page; we always have been.”

“ There is not one, not a single of us, that isn’t the most screwed up person in any room we’re in. Each of us have had a terrible childhood, or a horrendous run of luck so bad that getting struck by lightning would be a step in a better direction. We are high school dropouts, we are welfare kids, we are spoiled rich kids left to their own devices. We are misfits of all variations and kinds, that life has taken by the hand, led through the myriad of other professions we could’ve found, and thrown us into this one. You don’t have to be one of the most mistreated people in the world to be a professional fighter. But yes. Yes you do.”

“ You don’t get into this game because you were well adjusted and understood. You might think you were, or act like you were, but deep down you know the call to hurt others for money is not one answered by normal people. It’s the same as dysfunction that made guys jump buses on motorcycles, or dive off of buildings. The chance of not winning is greater than the chance of victory. But there is something to be said of failure. Failure is what they remember you for. Failure is what makes your legacy. No one remembers the times Evil made it. They only remember the times he fell. There’s something to that. Something I may just prove to you all.”

“ Because unlike everyone else, I am not in this to win it. I am simply here to not lose. To not be beaten so easily. Of course, this match isn’t really about defeating the others. It’s about enduring them. Anyone can throw someone over a top rope, but can you outlast all of the people actively trying to do the same to you. I have endured a lot in my life. Loss. Torture. Hell that despite the lack of flames has seared itself into me, and changed me forever. This is not something I am concerned about, nor should I be. In fact, the withstanding of it is the only payout I expect to walk away with. Proving that I can do what I once did, and stand up to the hell that is other people. ‘What about the reward?’ You may ask. Well. What about it?”

“ The reward in question, a shot at a title of your choosing, is not a reward. It’s a trick. It’s a trap. It’s an oasis. It is a pit that is far too deep to crawl out of. Suppose you take the wrong title? Perhaps you take a lower title and it makes it look like you don’t want to take on the person holding the higher one. Suppose you don’t win the title you asked for? Suppose you do? Did you earn it? Or did you luck yourself into it? The answer should be clear to those of you with the right perspective. All of this should be clear to you. Let this be clear to you as well. I do not see this as the fast track to the top. I see it as you should see it. As a step, a single step, in the right direction.”

“ Shortcuts save time, but cost experience. Getting somewhere faster does not make you better. It just makes you a target sooner. I am not here to fast forward my rebirth in this business. I am here to prove that I belong. And winning isn’t what decides that. Effort is. And the effort I give has always been the maximum amount. Which is also the amount of damage I intend to do to those I’ve deemed threats. And the opposition of Shockingly, that number is not high. In fact, it’s 4.”

“ A match full of guests and there are four people who I deem threatening. Of course, this goes back to my relative inexperience with this new form of the business. That I don’t know any of the players to assess who they are or what they do well enough to guess who would be a threat. And while I want to be right, I need to be proven wrong. In order to understand this form of it all, I need to know what to look for. Who to study. Who to be wary of. And why. But until someone stands up and shows me an example as to why I need to alter that perspective, here are those that stick out to my current view.”

“ Lewis Chand Pinkston. The lanky rocket scientist who could easily get Ace Sky to space, is not desperate for a lot of things. Burt approval from those in this business is about as high on his list as possible. M . He’s a rookie. He’s everywhere at all times, so much in fact that the only words I’ve ever spoken to him are ‘why are you here?’ But despite my thoughts on him or my issues with his level of intelligence, he’s one of those to look out for. Good news is his hair is so blonde, I can see him with my eyes closed.”

“ Holly Rhodes, who isn’t the biggest name in this business. But she can be. She’s a work horse, and if anyone embodies that which I consider myself, it is Holly. She’s not one to back down or hold back. She’s a legend in the making. Or is it unmaking? Has she left behind the drive that got her here? Or is she simply coasting for the moment to get to where she would rather be. Is she looking at this match the same way the others are? Or is she seeing it in some sort of different light from us all, myself included? Perhaps the light she’ll see will lead to her gaining. Perhaps the only light she’ll see will be held by a medic checking for concussions.”

“ Allen Chaney. Who held me back my first week here, and got one over on me. Allen Chaney who is still suffering from his loss to the most beautiful woman ever to grace this earth. Allen Chaney who has tasted defeat in several forms and just keeps coming. I tell you this, had he walked away from this business after his shortcomings, I’d have understood. I’d have said ‘sure, I get it.’ But he’s still here. He’s still here because something in him is broken in the same way that something in me is broken. That something that tells us we’ve gone as far as we can. Done all we can do. Or reached the pinnacle of our ability. That it’s all downhill from here. I do not have that, and neither does he. It’s why when guys like us start rolling downhill, we grit our teeth, dig in our fingers and break the nails off and shred our skin to stop the descent. And then we climb back up. That’s not someone to discount. That’s someone to fear. That’s someone to fight. ”

“ And finally. We have Shawn Warstein. Shawn is not a fan favorite to win this. Shawn, rumors have it, only joined because he was asked to. Because he was bored. Because he doesn’t care about the prize. Rumors also have it that the loch ness monster's dick hangs to the left and I give that one a lot more credence that anything that says Shawn Warstein isn’t going to try. Shawn is known to many as an equal amount of things. To me, he is simply my brother's golden boy. The guy that started lifting certain promotions, that will remain unmentioned, out of the muck and into the light. The one he credits with it all. There is no rhyme or reason why you would not want to advance in this place. There is no world, no universe, where Shawn Warstein doesn’t want the prize. Warstein,I told you once that my problem with you is that you came into my house, and tried to make it your own. Well, this isn’t either of our houses, Shawn. I do not intend to knock. I intend to kick it in. You can walk in behind me, but I don’t recommend standing in front of me.”

“ Be certain; I do not care if I win this match. I do not care if I beat any or all of you to the end to secure a shot or what have you. Heh. What have you. That is what I am here for. I am here to face as many of you as I can to see what it is you have. What makes you tick. What pushes you forward when everything you got goes away. When your knees quiver and your back hurts, how do you move on? How do you stop yourself from screaming and begging for mercy? Mercy you know won’t be shown. I do not want to limit my career, but I do want to take you to yours. And I want to see if you can come back from them. I know I have. And I know I will again. I am either going to win this entire thing, or like the stuntman, fail so fucking large you’ll never forget me again.”

“ I have learned that looking inward, while unpleasant at best, has it’s advantages. I’ve learned that seeing who you are, who you really are and who you want to be, is better than remaining who you’ve been taught to be. Especially when who you’ve been taught to be, is nothing more than a brutal thug who exists to put the same amount of misery some terrible piece of shit had in his heart, out into the world. And that is why I am here. To say I am sorry in the only way I know how.”

“ Marty. If you can see this. Please. I’m sorry for how I was. For who I was. You tried to be there for me. You tried to show me what a family was. And then I left you behind to deal with him. Her. Them. I know we can shore up this relationship. I know you can be a great aunt to my children. Please. Let’s forgive each other before we grieve each other. If you think it's possible, I’ll have tickets for you at the airport. I’ll have a car pick you up and bring you to the show. And we can finally start to heal from the wounds he’d have us picking at. I’m sorry. You were right. Please come home. ”

And that’s when she said it. That cunt. That drunken fucking cunt. She looked dead into the camera, and said it. She said ‘Marty? I thought his sister's name was Sarah?’
That name I had gone through hell and back to try and keep from my tongue. The face I had not wanted to see so badly I disguised her as James Raven. Which also makes me think; Do I like James Raven? LIke as a friend? Because when does that happen?

I look at Kathy Lee and wish I could throw her stupid face into the glass windows, but I don’t. I go back to my car and I leave. Because god forbid she say it again. God for it it be said a third time and she should appear.

I get about a mile away when the phone rings. I know who it is and I know why they’re calling. But I don’t answer. Answering this question would only bring on twenty more. And I’ve got enough to answer for right now. Namely the breaking and entering of a tv studio. And as I sat in my car thinking about it all, it occurred to me. I am not chained to the person I once was. Who I was raised to be. I’ve changed. Because people are supposed to. I have relationships with friends now. My children love me not because I’m just their father but because I make them laugh. Because I am relatable. When I want to be. And now, for some reason, I want to be. I want to be the one that gets invited to things. That gets chosen for his skill. I don’t want to be famous. But I want to be known. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take the walls down, but I think I can put in a few windows.

Dr. Abigail Tenor
“ I’m glad to hear it. Now, I have a question. And I want you to be honest with me”

“ Go ahead.”

“ How many sisters do you have? ”
_

The outside of the grocery store changed from red to blue and back again and then back again once more. All 3 of the towns cruisers were parked outside, and inside the entire PD, all six of them, were standing around looking down at the blood splatter, confused by it as they’d never really seen any before. Surrounding it was about a dozen of those little yellow numbered stands. Granted there was 12 things worth marking, but god forbid that dust bunny might track the person who did this down, shouldn’t they make sure of it?

When the sheriff entered, the 6 men, all related to someone in the town with either something worth having access to or a voice you simply don’t want to hear anymore, stood up straight and proud. The sheriff, Gray Thomas, who had once been a cop in the much larger town of Tulsa, looked at the ground and thought about telling the deputies that ninety percent of this wasn’t needed. But they were so proud.

“Alright, what happened here?”

The largest of the obese men stepped forward, explaining in the most professional voice he could generate.

“Well, Sheriff. The perpetrator entered the store and began to display his firearm to the employees. Witness statements state that the witness’s had agreed to his demandings, and then, one of the employees snapped. Supposedly she had her hands up and was going along when the Teevee got her attention. This upset the perpetrator and he threatened to kill her. Next thing anyone knows, the employee has grabbed his hand, and taken a chunk out of his wrist. Caused him to drop the gun, and it goes off, and employee goes off further. Assaults and batteries the man with prejudice.”

“So a grocer employee, in the midst of a robbery by gunpoint, was distracted by the tv, and then, got mad enough to attack the robber. Is that right?”

“Yes sir, that’s what we’ve been told.”

“ Must have been some program. ”

“Just the today show, apparently.”

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